Tequila and You. The healing process.
A lot of people hate tequila.
Can’t even smell it.
But the reality is that they probably embarrassed themselves after drinking it one time and now they blame tequila for their shame. You remember your bad tequila experience right? Everyone’s got at least one. Some, like myself, have many.
It probably went a little something like this. The night started off great, you looked good, you had your mojo working and then after three beers, a glass of red wine, two shots of whiskey, a long island some greasy guy bought for you and your friend because they were on special, oh and the two fruity sweet drinks the local muscly mixologist in the tight shirt with the perfect nipples made especially for you, you decided to close out the night with a shot of a really cheap tequila, most likely, Cuervo Gold. Your back teeth were already floating and your vision was blurred but your friend, more wasted than you, convinced you that it was a good idea. “Come on, just one more for the road!” As soon as that cheap hooch hit your throat it was already coming back up wasn’t it? Maybe you got it down completely and even held it in until you got to the bathroom. Or maybe it came right up into your hand in front of everyone at the bar as you raced to the toilet. Then you spent the rest of the night projectile vomiting all over ol’ perfect nipples’ restroom.
Hours passed while you dry heaved and prayed for death until the bartender demanded that you and your friend leave so he could close the bar. Maybe he had to help carry you out to the cab and your friend, that bitch, didn’t even help you clean the vomit out of your hair. Now that cute bartender you were flirting with all night thinks you’re a hot mess and a total lightweight. The next day you were feeling pain that wasn’t even on your body. Even the walls hurt.
Of course you blamed it all on the tequila.
“Jose, you evil bastard!”
You were doing just fine before he came along. Right?
Now you can’t even smell tequila without flash backs of cold porcelain splattered in vomit, and an evening slathered in high school shame.
“It’s all tequila’s fault!”
Never mind the four shots of cheap liquor you sucked down in that long island. Never mind that you mixed several different kinds of liquor, wine and beer through out the night. Never mind that you didn’t bother to eat anything before you went out or drink any water to stay hydrated in between the nipply bartender’s fruity concoctions. None of that matters because tequila is somehow more intoxicating than other liquors. Tequila is brewed with evil and bottled in suffering.
You and tequila just aren’t meant to be together. Right?
I know how you feel. We’ve all been there.
When I was eighteen my friends and I decided it was a great idea to drink a whole bottle of Cuervo Gold and have a chili pepper eating contest. I was finding chunks of tequila infused jalapeño in the crevices of my bathroom for weeks. I don’t think I ever got the smell out of the carpet in the hallway.
I blamed tequila for years, but tequila was not the idiot in my story, and I bet tequila was not the idiot in your story either.
So if it’s not tequila’s fault, who’s to blame? We are. We can no longer blame tequila for all that vomit and self-loathing. We need to mend our relationship because tequila and mezcal are delicious liquors and we deserve to be able to appreciate them. We have to go beyond that one bad experience toward a brighter future with this exquisite spirit. . We need to stop mistreating Tequila. We need to start the healing.
Tequila is a wonderful liquor with a fascinating history that predates the Spanish settlement of Mexico. It’s the first liquor of North America crafted from the gorgeous Maguey, a plant steeped in Mexican mythology and culture. It’s supposed to be sipped and enjoyed, not guzzled and chased. Tequila is as fine a liquor as any Cognac, Scotch or Bourbon. You’re supposed to enjoy it. You’re supposed to appreciate it.
The way to appreciate something is to understand it. To understand something, education is key. Learn something interesting about tequila and mezcal. Such as: did you know that it takes seven to fifteen years for an agave plant to grow to maturity? This is the point when it will produce the right amount of sugars and starches to produce a high enough alcohol content to make tequila. Isn’t that fascinating? You shot it back like it meant nothing. These crops take seven to fifteen years to grow and you shoot it down like some cheap grain alcohol and then you chase it with lime so you don’t have to taste it. If you’re only goal is to get wasted why don’t you just pregame an enema of Everclear you knuckle-dragging mouth breather.
Show tequila and mezcal some respect. Enjoy them slowly. Let this nectar of the Gods roll around on your tongue for a second. Experience all of the complex beauty. If you do you will taste sands and spice, sweets and flowers, smoke and herbs. You will change your impression of Mexican liquors and hopefully get over that embarrassing tequila moment. It might even open your mind to all the things you’ve been unwilling to try because of one bad experience. Who knows, maybe you’ll even try new things you have always been afraid of.
Speaking as someone who has had bad tequila experiences and overcome them, trust me when I say, it’s better on this side. It took me going to Mexico for a year and studying the beautiful history and process of Tequila to learn this appreciation, but now that I have, my life is fuller. I drink mezcal everyday, and I never wake up sick and riddled with shame, even though I still love muscly mixologists with tight shirts and perfect nipples.
¡Salud!
-river